


Expression

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, F/M, Gay Sex, Henry Laurens is mentioned in this and he is a shit dad in this ok, Implied Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, John is a Bit Not Good, John is a popstar, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Murder, Self-Harm, Yandere, Yandere John Laurens, singer/writer au, some sexual chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-07-06 10:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 17,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15883926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: John is a famous pop star, Alex is a writer. They fall in love almost instantly. But things take a dark turn when Alex makes new friends.





	1. Nerves

**Author's Note:**

> The first few chapters are going to be just fluff, but future chapters I’ll be darker/sexual themes. I will put it in the notes if that chapter consists of those themes.

John sat laid on his bed scrolling through tumblr. He liked to scroll through the tumblr tag for his name. He laughed at how these teenage girls could not rap there heads around the fact that he was both gay and an adult. While scrolling through the endless self insert fanfics he got a call from his friend Hercules. “JOHN!” He yelled.

“Jesus Christ Herc.” John laughed. “Whats so important?”

“Hamilton is doing a book signing next week at the Barns & Noble right down the road from your place!”

“WHAT!” Laurens squealed “how have I not heard of this?!”

Alexander Hamilton was John’s favorite writer. He had read his works since they were both in high school. (Going to school in Completely different parts of the country of course. Alex being in New York and John being in South Carolina.) Alex would post stories online and John adored them. He used his writing as a coping mechanism during some rough patches. “What are the times?”

“I’ll send you the link to the site that I found it.” Mulligan said and hung up. 

John laid down his phone, his heart racing a bit. He was kind of giddy.

He was going to meet his idle. Alex wrote murder mysteries. He had one particularly enthralling series that was written from the view point of a lawyer. He admired the research he did to give his books authenticity. 

He needed to do something to distract himself so he didn’t loose his mind from excitement. So he picked up his ukelele and began to lay out some chords for a song he was working on. Though he recorded most of his songs on the guitar or piano, he liked to write on the Uke.

He was practically counting down the seconds. But that’s when the anxiety hit him like a goddamn truck. “What if he’s a dick?” He thought. “They say never to meet your hero’s” His brain scrambled. “What if people recognize me and distract from him?” He was so happy before but now he was contemplating not even going. He slumped down on the bed, face first. Alex wasn’t even that known. John was incredibly popular but he felt Alex’s complex writing deserved much more fame than his songs. But I guess people didn’t take the time to enjoy a good book anymore. A catchy tune was considered much more convenient. John often put himself down even though he had thousands of people lifting him up. He flipped over and decided to console in a book. He reread the pages, looking at the little notes he had added. 

He fell asleep with the book laid on his chest, still dressed in his day clothes. The sun sat outside his penthouse window. Only to rise again to greet John with more excitement, nerves, and the counting down of seconds.

John’s alarm rang at 7:15. He sat straight up knocking his book to the side. His hair was a mes, frizzy and tangled. That’s what happens when you have curly hair and fall asleep with it in a ponytail. He yawned and stretched and suddenly remember what the day brought. He checked the clock, sighed, and decided to get in the shower. He tried to come through his hair with his fingers while shampooing. An attempt to tame the rats nest that would inevitably fail. He showered and hummed a song my Dodie and reached for a towel.

He grabbed the brush and walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and checked the clock once again. It read 7:43. The signing wasn’t until 12:30, so he had some time to kill. So, after getting dressed he sat down to do some writing. He thought he should use this excitement and emotion and put it to work. 

He stared at a blank peice of paper for a mother hour. His mind was buzzed. He has complete writers block. He wondered how Hamilton delt with complete lack of ideas. The man seemed to put out a new book a month. (This was an exaggeration of course.) but Alex really seemed to write like he was running out of time. 

John decided some fresh air would help to distract him and kill some time. But that meant going out in public, which meant getting recognized. He loved his fans, he adored them but he did need his space and he didn’t need people knowing where he liked to hang out. His main way of hiding was a giant floppy hat and sunglasses. It made him look a grandma vacationing in Florida but he didn’t really mind if the disguise worked. He stepped outside and took a deep breath. Which he regretted deeply since this was New York. He had to wait till he got to the park before he could enjoy some fresh air. 

He walked down the street, occasionally checking his watch. He kept his head low and avoided his main demographic (girls ages 12-24) as much as he could. He would stop for photos tomorrow, maybe even wear his pride scarf Laf got him. But he was to distracted to talk to people, or make a political statement. He got to the park without anyone stopping him and sat on the nearest bench. He had brought his book with him and flipped open to the last page he had read before passing out. 

After about 15 minutes of reading he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see a 14 year old girl standing next to him. “Excuse me sir.” She said politely, but she seemed a bit nervous. “Are… Are you John Laurens?” John took off his glasses and smiled.

“Maybe” he said with a laugh. The girl grinned from ear to ear. She let out a soft squeal and gave a thumbs up to a lady standing a few feet behind whom he assumed was her mom. 

“I just wanted to say how much I love your music and that you gave me the confidence to come out to my mom.” John smiled he loved getting responses from other LGBT people saying how he helped them, they were his motivation. 

“I’m so happy to hear that.” He said with complete sincerity.

“Can I get a picture?” The girl asked. After that John made his way back home. Home for him was a huge penthouse that always felt empty to him. He checked the clock again. 9:54. He calculated that he should leave around 11:50 so he still had two hours. 120 minutes to sit alone and think. 

He walked into the kitchen to grab a snack. He walked back into his room with a bagel in hand, he lasted down in bed and checked his email. Only 130 emails since last night. This was with a spam filter. He tried to figure out how all these people got his personal email. He blamed Herc. Once he finally cleared out the folder he only had 20 minutes before he had to leave.

His heart raced, he sat up to go check his appearance. He looked in the mirror and tucked a stray hair behind his ear. He felt rediculous having a crush on a man he never met. I mean he could be a trash human being. All he knew was what he wrote, well that and a few interviews. He wore black jeans, a grey long sleeve shirt, with a red t-shirt over it. Something casual. He stared in front of the mirror and figited with pride bracelet on his wrist. He let out a long breath and grabbed the book on his desk and left his home. He had a little time to kill so he took the stairs. Which was a true feat of stamina because he lived on the top floor.

He hailed a taxi. The driver recognized him and they had a small conversation. He had the money to buy a more than one extravagant car, but he had no need for it, he didn’t even know how to drive. He tried to live the life of an average New Yorker. He had his penthouse. That was more than enough for him. He didn’t need anymore extreme luxaries. The drive was short, he would have walked but he got his daily excercize with the steps. He laughed to himself “Man, I’m a peak physical specimen aren’t I?” He thought. 

They arrived at his stop. He tipped the driver, clumsily got out of the cab, and stood in front of the book store. He took a deep breath and walked into the building. The revolving door creeked as he pushed it. 

The book store was relatively big, but also relatively empty. Only a handful of people. Showed up. To be fair the signing had only been open for about two minutes, and his books weren’t absurdly popular but they had a descent following. And there he was. Sitting signing a book and talking to a fan who looked about 35. Alex on the other hand, looked about John’s age, around 26. His hair was tied up in a messy ponytail, he had a scruffy goatee. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. John laughed at the man. “Ah yes, his is where I have laid my effections.” He was cute. He blushed softly at the thought and went to stand in the short line. 

He kept his head low, he thought it would be odd to show up in his hat and glasses. So that led to him getting recognized. A woman a few years younger than him came up to him and started asking for a photo. She wasn’t the most polite, much unlike the girl he had met at the park earlier that day. The commotion she caused resulting in the other people people in line for a signing and the people just walk-in around the store to notice him too. He had developed a small crowd. He looked up to see the very man he came to meet looking up at him from the table. He had a look on his face of vague familiarity. The look you have when you run into someone but you can’t quite figure out where you’ve seen them before. Like, “is this a celebrity or someone I went to high school with?”

John eventually got through the small crowd and went to the front of the line with his book. 

He stood in front of the table and sighed. “I am so sorry.” John’s face was beat read. “I was hoping that wouldn’t happen. And-“ Alex cut him off 

“It’s fine” he smiled “Can I ask for your name?” 

“John Laurens.” John cringed as he waited for a response. 

“Oh,I think I’ve heard of you.” Alex said with limited surprise. “Would you like me to sign that?” He said gesturing towards the book in his hand. 

“Oh um y-yeah.” John stuttered and handed him the book. Alex’s lack of reaction was refreshing. “Hey, is there anyway I can make it up to you.” John figited with his bracelet. “I kind of high jacked this whole thing.” He let out a nervous laugh.

“Well” Alex cooed “there is one thing.” John was kind of surprised by this response. He didn’t think he would actually take him up on that offer. Alex sat back in his chair. “You let me take you out to dinner.” Alex looked at his nails and had a soft grin like he was expecting a yes. 

“I’m sorry,” John said confused. “What?”

“I believe I just asked you out, if I correctly assumed what your bracelet meant.” John looked down at his wrist and stopped figiting. 

“I-I guess, sure?” John almost asked. He wanted to slap himself for that response. 

“Sounds good to me.” Alex flirted and gave John his book back. 

John walked a way flabbergasted. He opened his book to check the signature. “That cocky little shit, he wrote his number.” He looked back at Alex. The writer winked and turned to sign the next book. That went better than he expected. On the ride home he stroked the number, just making sure it was real. He arrived at his building, taking the elevator this time, and walked up to his room. “Well that…” he whispered. “Went better than expected.”


	2. Champagne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is nervous (what’s new?)  
> Alex is pretending to be confident (also what’s new?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff

It had been 13 hours since the book signing. And John, was still a wake. It was 1:30 and every time he tried to roll over and sleep, his mind wondered. He thought about what he should say. He knew he shouldn’t call. That would be to forward, and who calls anymore. He was lying in bed squinting to look at the bright screen on his phone. His hair was not in a ponytail this time, but instead falling in his face slightly. He stared at the contact that read Alex. He thought about just texting him “hey”. He assumed that the permanently sleep deprived man would still be awake. He had probably typed “hey” fifty times but kept deleting the message. But then, he yawned. His eyes closed and he accidentally hit send. When he heard the sound of a sent message he sat upright, suddenly very awake. He threw his phone away from him like it burned his skin. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” He went to retreve his phone. He desperately tried to delete the message but it was too late. The word ‘Delivered’ appeared in small print. He turned over and screamed into his pellow.

That’s when he heard the little ‘ping’ of his default text tone. He turned his phone on and the bright screen lit up. There was a message from Alex.

“Hey.” John waited a minute to respond as to not seem to eager.

“Still awake I see?” John responded with a smiley face emoji.

“Bold of you too assume I ever sleep”

John smiled “Oh, my bad” he joked.

“Yeah, just working on a character spreadsheet.” Alex texted. “So, are you going to take me up on my dinner offer?” John could hear his flirty tone through text and smiled.

“I guess I owe it you don’t I?” John tried to seem calm and flirty through text, but he was certainly not calm.

“I mean it’s the least you can do.” Alex joked. “Is Friday good for you?”

John thought for a moment. He had a meet n’ greet that morning but the night would be free.

“Sounds great.”

“Great I’ll pick you up at 7:30. Just text me your address.”

John laughed. “Why should I trust you with my address? And where are we going.”

“Because the location is a surprise.”

That man really was a character. “Sounds ominous.” John sent and then signed off.

Friday arrived faster than he would have expected. The meet n’ great went okay. He met kind fans, rude haters, and dealt with even ruder “fans”. It was all a jumble and he was already mentally preoccupied with the night ahead. He had picked out about 5 outfits but none of them felt right.

He looked at the clothes laid out on the bed and ran his fingers through his hair nervously. Everything had to be perfect. He tried on a dark green turtleneck with black skinny jeans. He thought the outfit was appropriate considering the fact he had no idea where he was going. He decided to also where the bracelet that helped land him a date with his Idle. It all kind of seemed like a dream, and incredibly nerve racking yet exciting dream.

He grabbed his wallet that had a pocket knife inside and pepper spray attached to it with a key chain, just in case he was going to get murdered at the mystery location. He stood outside his building in front of the traffic, trying his best to keep kicked up gravel out of his eyes. Alex said to meet him a block away from his building because the parking was more accessible so he started walking that way. He was walking alone at night in a big city so he kept his pace quick. Once he got to his location he started looking for Alex. It was a little early so he didn’t expect to see him. “Hey freckles!” He heard someone yell and started scanning the cars to see where is came from. He saw Alex leaning against an olive green car, hideous color but he didn’t really question it. He wore an unzipped hoodie over a T-shirt and blue jeans. “At least I’m not underdressed” John thought.

John waved and walked towards his car. “You mess with your bracelet a lot.” Alex stated simply. John looked down and stopped his hands. He hadn’t even realized he had been doing that. He laughed nervously. “I-I guess so.” He tried to understand how he could perform giant concerts but a date made him so nervous.

“Shall we go?” Alex said and turned to open the car door for John. John ducked and sat in the wethered leather seats.

“So” John said after the car started making its way down the road. “Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

“Nope.” Alex said with a smirk. John wasn’t sure how to interpret that. “So, you’re a singer.”

John was making a conscious effort not to fiddle with his bracelet. “Uh? yeah”

“Sorry for my lack of familiarity.” Alex apologized. “I don’t really listen to music that often.”

They hit a pot hole and the car bounced. “No it’s cool, it’s actually kind of refreshing.” John said as he rubbed the back of his neck. The honking of car horns didn’t help there conversation.

“So how long have you lived in New York.”

“Oh about 4 years.” John gripped the door handle as the nearly hit a trash can as they turned. Alex was not a great driver. “What about you?”

Alex shrugged. “I grew up here. Came here when I was five afterI was adopted. I was born in the Caribbean.”

John wasn’t sure how to respond. “The Caribbean sounds nice.” He said awkwardly.

Alex laughed. “It was not.” He made another sharp turn. “I did not live in a resort I can tell you that.”

“Oh.”

“Relax freckles you look tense.” Alex said as he cliped a mail box. “I grew up in here in Washington Heights. Where did you live before NY?”

“South Caroline.” John said. “Are we close to the mystery destination?” He said trying to change the subject.

“Yep.” He had that smirk again. “About 10 minutes.”

“Just making sure I’m not getting murdered tonight.” Another nervous giggle from John.

Alex smiled “I promise I’m am not going to murder you.”

“If you slow down a bit I might believe you.” Alex slowed down for a few miles before speeding up again, just out of bad driving habits. John had an idea where they were going. He sure hoped he was right.

“So I was thinking.” Alex said after a bit of silence. “How could I, a simple author, impress a famous pop star?” John smiled “so I tried to research a little about you. And famous birthdays had failed me. So I searched some more and found one interview where someone had asked you what you’re perfect first date would be. John knew exactly what interview he was talking about. “And you said something endearingly corny.” That made John blush a bit. “You said that your ideal first day was a picnic at night. And I thought ‘hey, I can pull that off!’” Alex shrugged and gestures to the scene in front of them. “So here we are.” Alex parked the car near a park that John had never visited before.

Alex reached into the back of the car and grabbed a blanket and picnic basket.

“You really came prepared huh?” John joked. Alex winked and got out of the car. John squinted to try and see through the dark. “Are you sure we are allowed to be here at night?”

“Probably not” John gave him a scared look. “I’m joking, I checked the hours. Wouldn’t be the ‘perfect first date’ if we got arrested, would it?” Alex said and nudged John in the shoulder.

They walked through the park and came across a tree on a hill and decided it would be the “perfect” spot to eat. Alex spread out the blanket and grabbed a lantern from the basket. It was one of those lanterns that looked like an oil lamp but was actually battery operated. Alex turned on the light. “Now I can see you” he said and winked.

“Your pick up lines are getting cornier.” John said with a smile.

“I guess they can’t all be winners.”

“So” John sat on the blanket. “What’s for dinner?”

“How impatient.” Alex teased and turned to open the basket. He grabbed two glasses. “Shall we start with champagne?”

John smiled “sounds good to me” he said and grabbed the glass from Alex.

“And for our meal, toasted sandwiches with roasted tomatoes, pesto, and burrata.” He said and placed a plate in front of John. “And a salad.”

“Wow Alex!” John was said. “Did you make this?”

Alex laughed “God no. I had a friend make them. I tried to cook but I almost burned down my apartment.”

“Well it’s the thought that counts.” John smiled. “And” John swallowed a bite of the sandwich. “Tell your friend this is delicious.”

“I’ll make sure to tell her you liked it.” Alex smiled. “More champagne?”

“Are you trying to get me drunk?” John flirted.

“Maybe” Alex had that cocky little smile again. John finished the last sip of champagne.

“Top me off.”

John took a sip out of his newly filled glass. “So why here? There has to be some reason you took me to this specific park.” John inquired.

“Actually,” Alex put down his glass. “There is. I come up here to write.” John laughed

“what?” Alex asked.

“Just seems a little peaceful for books about murder.” Alex laid down on the blanket and closed his eyes.

“The irony is wonderful isn’t it.

John laid down next to him. It was getting a little cool and he shivered when the wind blew. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath enjoying the night air. He felt Alex’s hand grab his. He looked over at him. Alex’s eyes were still closed and had a soft smile. But it wasn’t the cocky grin he usually had, it was just content and pleasant.

“I have to say Alex, I am quite impressed.” They turned to look at each other.

“Then I guess it was a success. Do you see a second date in the future?” John put his finger on his chin as if deep in thought.

“Hmm.” John smiled. “Of course.”

Alex sat up quickly, surprisingly John. “I have one more thing.” He reached inside the basket. “I actually made this dish.” He handed a small bowl to John. The dish was variety of fruit and marshmallows mixed together with whipped cream. “It’s called ambrosia. It’s a southern dish, I thought you would like it.” John took a bite of the desert.

“This is amazing Alex.” John said with his mouth full.

“Ya know?” Alex took a bite “in Greek mythology, ambrosia is said to be the food of the gods.” He laughed. “But I bet the “all mighty deities” Of Ancient Greece didn’t use this much whipped cream.” They both laughed, it was perfect. “Oh, John, you have a little whipped cream on your cheek.”

“I do? Where?”

“Here I’ll get it.” Alex put his hand on John’s Jaw and stoked his cheek. John rolled his eyes. What a line. but leaned in to Alex’s hand.

“Your pretty confident huh?”John said with a look of pretend annoyance.

“I try to be.” He shrugged. “But you seem to make me, a little nervous.”

“Why is that?”

“Because you’re so pretty John.” John now sported a dark blush. “But sadly, it’s 9:30. And someone with your notoriety needs his rest.” John frowned “but I just need one more thing from you before we go.” Alex leaned in and kissed John. It was a gentle kiss but it caught John off guard. He quickly melted into the kiss, his body lit up. John placed a hand on Alex’s chest, just to make sure he was really there. They separated, their forheads still touched, Alex leaned in for one more kissed, it was soft, there lips barely touched. Then it was over. “But I guess it’s time to go.”

John let out this laugh that was a mixture of pent up anxiety and joy. Alex packed up the picnic basket and stood up. He reached out to pull John up.

The drive home John was a little buzzed. It was a plesent combo of champagne and the fact that he just kissed, Alexander Hamilton. Alex dropped him off at his building. “Good night freckles”. John looked back at him with his own cocky little smile and winked.

As soon as he got to his floor he pulled out his phone and texted Hercules and Laf. “I have something amazing to tell you that can only be said in person.”

Lafayette texted back first. “Are we going to need Peggy?”

“We are definitely going to need Peggy.” He turned off his phone and grabbed a book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That cocky little shit


	3. The conference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John tells his friends about him and Alex. His friends may joke around but they are there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Peggy, bitches

“Holy fucking shit.” Hercules said with a laugh. John had spilled the beans to Herc, Laf, and Peggy, who were all sitting in Peggy’s living room.   
“So” peggy grabbed a French fry. They had ran by McDonalds before heading to her apartment. “You went on a date with Alexander Hamilton, your favorite writer.” She took a sip of her soda. “It went great apparently, course you two made out.”  
“Made out is a strong choice of words.” John Corrected.  
“Yeah ok.” Peggy scoffed. “Did you fuck?” She said in a monotone voice. Lafayette elbowed her in the arm.  
“No.” John rolled his eyes. Leave it to Peggy to ask something like that. “He just dropped me off at my place.”   
Lafayette drummed his fingers on his cup. “Are you going to see him again.”  
John leaned back on the couch. “Hopefully.” He shrugged. “We talked about it but we haven’t made any plans.”   
“Have you texted him at all.” Peggy had sort of an evil smirk.  
“No.” John said hesitantly. “It just happened last night.”   
Before John could stop her, Peggy grabbed his phone from the coffee table. “Peggy don’t you dare text him!” John tried to retrieve his phone.   
“I’m going to help you!” She exclaimed as John wrestled her for his phone.   
Herc laughed. “You think your aro-ace ass is going to help get John laid.”   
John was just wanted to throw his head into a pillow and scream. “You see, this is why I don’t tell you guys things.”  
Peggy scoffed. “Please, you tell us everything. And Herc, This aro-ace ass can do better than you.” Herc rolled his eyes. “Fine John you can have your phone back. She handed him his phone. He snatched it and sat back down on the couch with a huff.  
“But you have to text him.” Laf said leaning back and crossing his legs. “You’ve waited long enough in my opinion.”  
“Fine.”John blew a hair out of his face. “But I have to decide what we should do next. I want it to be special, like what he did. Ya know?”  
Peggy gave him a deadpan look. “No John, we don’t know. Would you care to elaborate.”  
“Something special.” He blushed. “Something personal.”  
Laf laughed, a sincere laugh, not a mocking one. “I never took you as a hopeless romantic Jackie.” His accent very appearant in his speech. Peggy and Hercules nodded in agreement. “He must be really… how you say?” He paused “Hot.” John blushed a dark red. Peggy snorted while drinking soda.  
“Yeah, he must be.” She said with a sly grin. John wanted to crawl into a hole. But instead he just hid his face in his hoodie and awkwardly slinked to the floor. The group noticed his discomfort. “In all seriousness Jackie.” She said softly. “How can we help?” John climbed out of his imaginary hole and sat back on the couch.  
“Help me think of an idea for our next date.” He said hesitantly.   
“Sure buddy.” Herc smiled. “We’ll be your wing group.”  
Laf smiled. “Your flock.  
“I kind of liked it when your English was bad. You made less terrible puns.” Peggy joked and took a bite of her burger. She smacked Herc’s hand away when he tried to grab one of her fries. “Watch it mulligan.”  
“Wait Peggy shut up.” John interjected.   
“Rude.” She respnded   
“Shhhh. I have an idea.” He grabbed his soda. “Bye guys.”  
He grabbed the door handle.  
“Your just going to leave with out telling us what it is?” Hercules shouted.  
“Yep.” He said and shut the door behind him.  
Herc shook his head. “That son of a bitch.” He said quietly and stole a fry from Peggy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s he thinking about (jk I know I’m the writer)


	4. Movie and cuddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John invited Alex over for dinner at his place.

John frantically ran around the kitchen, turning down the heat on the stove before the food burned. Laf calmly walked through the kitchen. A great contrast between John’s panicked behavior.”Laf!”yelled an out of breath John. “Can you get the chicken out of the oven?” 

“Right Away chef!” Laf joked. John had inlisted him to help cook dinner for Alex. He wanted to do something special and he knew there was no way he could do it on his own, and Laf seemed to have a knack for cooking. Which was apparent in his calm demeanor. John on the other hand was just trying to make sure nothing burned, and almost failing… more than once. They had thirty minutes untill Alex showed up. That meant thirty minutes to set the table, change clothes, and get Laf out of the house. John was stressed to say the least.

John took off his oven mit. “Laf I have to go get ready. Can you set the table.” 

“I’ve got it covered Jackie, go get ready.” Laf winked and gave him the thumbs up.

John ran to his room. He put his hair up in a loose ponytail as usual. He wore a black button up with a blue vest. He unbuttoned one of the buttons on his shirt to make it seem slightly more casual. He rolled the cuffs on his sleeves up and gave himself a little pep talk. “Everything will go great.” He smiled nervously and walked out back out to the dining room. The table was almost complete, he wondered how Laf had pulled it off. 

Laf looked up at him “you look amazing Jackie. Now go get the wine from the cabinet.”

John grabbed the bottle and poured a glass for him and Alex. “This looks amazing Laf.”

“Why thank you John I-“

“But you have to leave now.” He said cutting him off “ he will be here in five minutes.”

“Ok.” He said shaking his head he took off his apron and placed it on the counter. “Good luck!” He smiled and left the penthouse.

John had it all planned out. He would wait by the door but wait a few seconds after he knocked to not make it look like he was waiting for the door. But when Alex knocked he practically jumped out of his skin and almost opened the door immediately. He stopped himself, luckily, and took a deep breath before opening the door. As soon as he reached for the handle he became even more nervous then he was before. “What if this all too much?” He though. “What if it’s not enough?” But it was too late, he opened the door and saw Alex, and he wasn’t so anxious anymore.

Alex was dressed significantly nicer than he had the previous date. He wore a very pale blue button up, and black dress pants. He still wore his Chuck Taylors though. “Hi.” Alex smiled. “May I come in?” 

John chuckled. “Of course.” He stepped out of the way to let Alex inside.

“Wow.” Alex said as he marvled at how nice John’s penthouse was. “So this is what it’s like to be incredibly rich.” John felt kind of embarrassed. “But hey! This is for you.” Alex handed him a rose that he had been hiding behind his back.

John blushed.”that suave son of a bitch.” He thought. “Here, have a seat.” John said jestering to the table in the middle of the room. It had two plates filled with food. Both impeccably organized. He made a mental note to thank Laf properly for this later.

“Did you make all this?” Alex said with a very surprised look on his face.

“Well Yes, with a little- well a lot of help from a friend.”

“To our amazing chef friends!” Alex joked and lifted his glass. John tapped his glass to his with a ‘clink’ and they both took a drink. Alex smiled “I think this wine might cost more than my couch. Which to be fair, did not cost that much.” John laughed. “Garage sales are a blessing to a starving writer.”

“I’m glad you came.” John said and took a bite of the food.

“Are you kidding freckles?” Alex smiled. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

John cocked an eyebrow. “I see I’ve required a nickname, not that I’m complaining.”

Alex winked. “This food is amazing!” He said and took another bite. 

“Thank you, I tried to make it all food from the Caribbean.” He said swallowing a bite of chicken. “I remembered you saying you were born there. We have Jerk chicken, Roti, and Doubles.”

“John…” Alex said aslmost speechless. “That is so thoughtful.” They both kind of stared at each other for what seemed like forever. Until Alex finally spoke. “It’s funny.”

“What is?”

“The fact that if you hadn’t disrupted my book signing, we never would have even met.”

“I’m sorry about that.” John apologized.

“Don’t be.” Alex grabbed John’s hand. “Like I said, if you hadn’t I never would have met you.”

John could hear his heart race. He didn’t even know what to say. He didn’t want to kill the mood, but he didn’t want an awkward silence. “I’ve read your writing since I was in high school.” He said. “I’ve always loved it, I never thought I’d ever be on a date with my favorite writer.” 

“I never thought I’d be on a date with a pop star.” Alex said. “But here we are.”

They continued with small talk and flirty jesters until they had finished their meals. “Here,” Alex said standing up. “Let me help clean up.”

John grabbed his hand. “Don’t you dare.” He said and pulled him away from the table. “Would you like to watch a movie.” He said and tucked his hair behind his ear.

“I would love that.” Alex said with a confident smile. Not cocky, just excited.

John guided him into the media room which had a large leather sectional and a giant flat screen tv, Alex guess it also had surround sound. They sat down and John inched a little bit closer, and action Alex noticed, but didn’t comment on. “Any suggestions for a movie?” John asked. 

“Yes, Alien, one-hundred percent.” Alex paused. “If that’s ok with you.” 

“That’s a great choice.” John had actually never seen the movie, he would have suggested a corny romance, but after giving it a second thought, this would give him the opportunity to use the ol’ “pretend to be scared so he could get closer to Alex trick.”

The movie started playing. It started slow but once it picked up, John found himself a bit scared, he unknowingly clutched onto Alex’s shirt. Alex smiled and rapped his arm around John. They were broth very content. The light was low but the could see each other with the light from the tv. 

They both looked at each other. John stared intently, admiring Alex’s eyes, noticing things he hadn’t before. Alex reached up, brushing hair from his face making John shudder from the contact. He took the time to note every freckle that dusted his face. John’s heart beat out of his chest. Alex wouldn’t admit it but he was flustered too. Alex placed a hand on John’s chin, tilting his face up slightly. He leaned in, connecting there lips. John’s body filled with electricity. It was different this time. This time it was expected, the tension had built, and it was much more passionate. Alex’s tongue grazed John’s lips. John’s mouth opened lightly and he let out a very soft moan. John deepened the kiss, reaching to grab Alex’s hips to pull him closer. He could feel the heat radiating off his body. The world melted away. Alex began leaving a trail of kisses down John’s jaw and on to his kneck. John tilted his head back allowing Alex to continue. Alex started leaving soft bites on the crook of John’s neck. “Alex wait!” John said abruptly and pushed him slightly.

“I-I’m sorry John.” Alex apologized. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No of course not.” John shook his head. “I’m just not ready.”

“Oh.” Alex said 

“I just haven’t been in a relationship in years and everything is moving so fast.”

Alex wanted to slap himself. “I’m so sorry John, I just, god, I like you so much, and the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, Alex don’t apologize, it’s me who should be apologizing. I really like you too.” He tried to laugh it off but it came out more nervous than he meant it to. “I just…” he didn’t know what to say. “I just want to keep cuddling and watching this movie, and spending time with you.”

“That sounds great to me freckles.” Alex smiled and started playing the movie again. John laid his head on Alex’s shoulder. Alex rapped his arm around him again. 

John was perfectly happy…

And so was Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to look up Caribbean food for this


	5. Coffee and contemplation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex fell asleep at John’s House. Peggy doesn’t trust him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ END NOTES

John awoke gradually. He opened his eyes slowly and noticed he had fallen asleep on the couch next to Alex. Well, more laying on top of him than beside. His hand was tucked into Alex’s slightly unbuttoned shirt collar. John’s hair was down and Alex’s hand was draped across his back. He realized that they must have fallen asleep while watching the movie. The sun shone brightly through the window, he assumed it must be late morning.

Alex began waking up. He looked at John and smiled. “Morning freckles.” John smiled back but didn’t move he just laid his back down and closed his eyes. Alex gently stroked his fingers through John’s hair. He hummed happily. He slowly opened his eyes to see another person standing in front of him.

“Why didn’t you answer my calls?” It was Peggy.

“Peggy!” John sat up and accidentally pushed Alex off the couch. He fell to the floor with a ‘thud’.”Oh my god Alex! I’m so sorry!”

“It’s good.” He gave him the thumbs up. While he stood up and sat back down on the couch.

“So this is him?” She said and shot Alex a glare.

“Yes.” John said annoyance evident in his voice. “Alex this is Peggy. Peggy, Alex. She’s a friend of mine.” He said jestering towards her. Alex and Peggy shook hands hesitantly. “Peggy? What are you even doing here? And more importantly, how did you get here?”

“I have a key remember? And security downstairs is terrible.” Peggy brushed it off. “I’m here because I call you fifty times and you never responded. You always answer your phone and it’s almost 9:30. I was worried sick!”

John awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. “I’m sorry Pegs. I turned my phone off last night.”

Peggy patted him on the arm. “It’s okay Jackie. Now I get to talk to Alex.” She turned to him and smiled, a hidden anger shined in her eyes. She could be a little protective.

“I-it’s nice to meet you!” Alex said his nervousness evident.

“Likewise.” She responded and sat on the other side of the sectional. “So, Alex what did you guys do last night?”

“Peggy don’t interrogate him.” John sighed.

Alex laid his hand on top of John’s. “It’s fine.” He smiled. “We had an amazing dinner prepared by John and one his and I’m guessing your friend. After that we just watched a movie and fell asleep on the couch.” He shrugged and grinned.

Peggy stared as if she didn’t quite believe him. “Huh.” She said “Alex did you have sex with John?”

“PEGGY!” John yelled, agitated and embarrassed.

“N-no nothing like that.” He blushed. “We just drifted off while watching Alien.” John smiled slightly thinking of what had almost happened the night before. 

Alex massaged John’s hand softly with his thumb. But he quickly revoked his hand when he saw the death glare Peggy was giving him. He turned to give John a look that said ‘I’m sorry, she scares me’. “Hey Pegleg.” John used the nickname in an attempt to calm her down. “As you can see I’m not dead. So, you can feel free to leave now.”

Peggy huffed. “Fine.” She stood up. “It’s nice to meet you Alex. See you later Jackie!” She waved and left.

“Jackie?” Alex asked.

John shrugged. “Yeah, it’s a nickname.” He paused. “I am so sorry about her.”

Alex laughed. “It’s fine. I guess she was just looking out for you.”

He smiled. “Yeah, she was. But that doesn’t make her any less intrusive.”

“So, is it ok if I stay a bit? I’ve got nothing really to do today.” He placed a hand on John’s arms.

“That would be great!” John smiled, they walked into the kitchen together. Alex sat down at the counter. “Coffee?”

“Yes! Thank God for coffee!” John chuckled at his enthusiasm.

John poured him a mug. “How do you like it?”

“Just black.” He said and took the mug from John. He took a sip and smiled. John stood in front of the counter with his mug, leaning towards Alex. 

“Would it be too much time spent together if we went out together today?

“I think it’s impossible to spend too much time with you.” He smiled and took another sip of coffee. 

John let out a small snort. “Calm down hun we’ve been on two dates.” He said hun with a southern drawl. He had a short mental debate on wether to call him ‘hun’ or ‘buddy’. He chose hun.

“Well I consider this our third date.” Alex said, trying to be suave. He winked and John couldn’t help but smile like a dork. 

“We could hang out with a few of my friends.” John suggested. “Meet the guy who helped me cook dinner, and talk with Peggy in a group setting.”

“That would be great.” Alex said with all sincerity. “How long have you guys been friends?”

“Oh! Since like middle school, even longer fora few of them.” He shrugged. “They raised me better than my dad did.” He cursed himself for saying something about his dad. He barely knew Alex, and he hoped he didn’t ask any follow up questions.

“Well, I can’t wait to meet them.” John sighed with relief.

“I’ll grab my phone so I can text them.” He walked back to his bedroom to grab his phone that was resting on his bedside table. As expected, he saw a bunch of messages from Peggy.

“Hey, can I hangout at your place? Charlie asked for the apartment to himself today. He’s probably having a guy over or something.”

“?”

“John”

“Missed call”

“Hello! Jackie?”

“Missed call”

“Are you hanging out with Alex?”

“Did he hurt you!?!?”

“Missed call.”

“I SWEAR TO GOD IF HE HURT YOU I WILL SLIT HIS THROAT!!”

“Missed call”

“Missed call”

“That’s it I’m coming over.”

John smiled sadly. She really was worried. He text the group. 

He walked out to find Alex in the same spot he had left him. “They said we could meet up at 10:30 at Laf’s house, he’s the guy that helped cook dinner. I think you’ll like him. But we’ve got a little time to just hang out here.

“Sounds great! But I can I wear this.” He said jestering to his dress shirt.

“I’ll give you something to change into. I’m going to go get dressed.” He winked and turned to head to his room. 

He grabbed a T-shirt for Alex and changed into green shirt with a grey long-sleeve underneath it, along with some grey jeans. He fixed up his hair and headed back out. Alex had already changed and was washing his mug in the sink. “So.” Alex placed the mug in the sink and turned around. Tell me about these friends of yours. 

John smiled. “You’ll love them. There’s Hercules, but he often just goes by Herc. He’s a barista. He may act tuff, but trust me he’s not. Then we have Lafayette, he goes by Laf. He is a hairstylist, and he’s French. And then… you met Peggy.” He smiled awkwardly. “She will soften up eventually, I promise.”

Alex sat back down at the counter. “Can’t wait!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to have a few more chapters of more or less pure fluff. I want to establish the relationship and build trust (ya know so it can be demolished) between the characters before the plot really picks up.


	6. Just Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex meets the people who pretty much raised John. And maybe Peggy doesn’t hate Alex so much after all.

“Hey Alex?” John said as he and Alex stood outside his building. “Can we take you car?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Alex said stepping of the curb. He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. “Crap.”

John stopped and turned to face him. “What?” He said concerned.

“I only paid to park for a few hours.” He held his head in his hands. “I didn’t plan to stay the night. I’ve probably been towed. Let’s go check.” He grabbed John’s hand and pulled him behind him. John willing followed. 

They approached the area where the car was parked. Alex sighed with relief. “Oh thank God.” He sprinted to his car, picking up the piece of paper pinned to the windshield. “Great.” He said. “Only a ticket that might send me into bankruptcy.” Alex stuffed the paper into his pocket. He turned to John and forced a smile. “I guess the cops forgot to check the car again.”

They both got in the car. Alex gripped the steering we’ll tightly, clearly put-off. John tried to buckle his seatbelt, but it got locked, he had to tug on it a few times until it loosened. It really was a crappy car. “I can help with the ticket.” John offered.

“John I don't need you to pay for my mistakes!” He snapped. “John it’s fine I was just exaggerating. And I would never ask you to do that.” His tone softened. He started the car. “What’s the address?”

“1776 Miranda Avenue” John said trying to use a light tone. Alex’s grip on the wheel loosened. 

Alex sped down the road causing John to grip the handle of the door. They hit a bump and John free hand flew to find support on the space between the two seats. Alex noticed John’s tension and let off the gas a little. Alex placed his hand on top of John’s. He became less stiff and sighed. “You know John is actually kind of nervous.”

John turned to him. “Why?”

Alex shrugged. “The meeting of the friends.” He said. “Seems very serious. These people are important to you, a-and you’ve known them forever. It’s almost like meeting you parents.”

John cringed. He didn’t even think of that. These were the people who raised him. Would it scare Alex away. He shook his head. Things were moving to quickly, but he didn’t want them to slow down. “Is it, too serious?” He asked. Avoiding Alex’s gaze. 

Alex grasped his hand. “Of course not, I’m excited! I just want to impress them that’s all. How should I act?”

John smiled. “Just be you, that would be enough.”

They drove a few minutes more, Alex’s hand held John’s and they sat in happy silence. They approached Lafayette. It was a fairly nice building, it was nothing like John’s penthouse but it was far from falling apart. “Here we are.” John said.

Alex parked his car at a meter about a block down the road. They got out of the car and Alex paid for a few hours of parking. “This time I’ll remember not to fall asleep.” He joked. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his pants. He was still wearing dress pants paired with John’s T-shirt. It certainly was a look. They walked leisurely down the sidewalk. “I can’t wait to thank Lafayette for last night's meal!”

“You really enjoyed I’d didn’t you.” John laughed.

“I enjoyed spending time with you.” Alex winked. “The food was just a bonus.” 

“Alex, You fascinate me.” John looked at him endearingly.

Alex slowed down. “How so?” 

“I’m fascinated by how confident and intelligent you can manage to be, yet forget to pay for parking.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Touché.” He laughed quietly. 

John looked at him. “What?”

“You said I seemed so confident. John, if you had seen me getting ready for our date last night.”  
He shook his head. “I was a nervous reck.”

John smiled to himself. “Well you're certainly good at hiding it. I was quite the ball of nerves too, but as soon as I saw you standing at the door, I felt calm.” He stopped walking momentarily. “I just can’t wrap my head around it all. It’s amazing.”

Alex took his hand. “Is this it?” He asked.

“That’s the place.” Alex took a deep breath and opened the door to the complex. The lobby didn’t look any different than an average apartment. John pressed the button on the intercom. “Hey Laf it’s John… and guest.” He looked at Alex and winked. 

He heard the crackling voice of the Frenchman through the speaker. “Come on up!”

They hopped on the elevator. Alex leaned against the wall casually. John could tell he was trying to play off the nervousness that he had built up. He tapped excitedly on wall. They got to the right floor and the doors opened with a ding. Laf’s door was just outside the elevator. John knocked and the door opened seconds later. “Jackie!” Laf said as he opened the door and smiled widely. “And this must be Alex!” Alex went to shake his hand but Laf pulled him into a hug. “How great to meet you.”

Alex grinned. “You too.”

“Come in, come in.” Laf stepped out the way to allow them entrance. They walked in to see Hercules and Peggy sitting on the couch. “This is Herc” John said and pointed to the man leaning on the arm of the couch. 

He waved. “Hey.”

“And of course, you’ve met Peggy.” She smile.

Laf smiled excitedly. “Come, sit.” Alex and John sat next to each other on the loveseat across from the couch. “Peggy has told us so much about you.”

“Oh boy” Alex said nervously. 

“All good things of course.” They looked at Peggy. She winked at Alex. John laid back on the couch but Alex still seemed tense. John stroked his forearm lightly with his fingertips.

“Relax.” He said, Alex smiled and leaned back onto the cushion.

“Oh! Laf.” Alex interjected. “Dinner last night was amazing.”

“It was all Jackie’s idea” he waved it off “I just helped.”

John scoffed. “You kept me from burning down my kitchen. 

The five of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Before Hercules finally spoke. “So you’re a writer?”

Alex became alert. “Um, yes” he said. “Yes I am.”

“I’ve actually read a few of your books. By John’s recommendation. He would not stop talking about them.”

“Mulligan!” John said slightly annoyed and embarrassed. Alex just smiled. 

Laf leaned over to whisper something in Hercules’ ear. He smiled. “Hey Alex.” Herc said. “I couldn’t help but notice you are wearing one of John’s shirts.” His smile turned into more of a grin. 

Alex scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I accidentally fell asleep at his place while watching a movie.”

“Of course.” Laf said. With slight disbelief.

Peggy finally spoke. “I already interrogated him, don’t worry.” Peggy was defending him. 

The group sat and chatted, simple small talk and jokes. They liked Alex, and Alex liked them. 

Alex got out his phone to check the time. He shot up. “Hey guys I gotta go. It was nice meeting you guys.”

“Same to you.” Herc said.

“John do you want a ride? He asked 

“Nah.” he said “I’m going to stay here a little while.” 

“Got it.”

John stood up to meet him at the door. “Bye”

“Bye” Alex smiled and leaned forward to kiss him. John rapped his arms loosely around his neck and melted into the kiss. He had almost forgotten about the others in the room. They separated, Alex waved and walked out. 

“Damn Jack.” Herc said.

John smiled widely, blushing like mad. “I know!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff is almost over. This chapter was fun to write. I like Laf’s character a lot


	7. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John trusts Alex with the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!  
> -self harm  
> -depression   
> -child abuse/ abusive father
> 
> Do not read if any of this makes you uncomfortable or upset!!!

Things had happened so fast. It was like a whirlwind. One that certainly swept John off his feet. The two of them had been dating for two months now and they did their best to keep it a secret from the public. But they had to figure it out eventually. There had been crazy amounts of photos of the two of them, starting the night of their first date. If John had a nickel for every time someone asked him about Alex, he could probably double his net worth. He was tired of the questions, so he confirmed it. On national television. He had asked for Alex’s permission first of course. It could result in good and bad publicity. 

One unexpected positive outcome was the large increase in Alex’s book sales. Things were looking up.

But John wanted to trust Alex. He wanted to tell him everything about his childhood, about why he couldn’t be physical with him, everything. He just didn’t want Alex to leave. He couldn’t let Alex leave. He was afraid he would scare him off. But he wanted to be honest.

He was laying in bed next to Alex. He was staying at his place. He thought it was more comfortable, cozy. The tv was on and John was leaning his head against Alex’s shoulder. They were rapped under the blanket, it was a little cold so they snuggled together. 

John sat up and Alex turned to look at him. “Is something wrong?” Alex asked.

“No.” John said. “I just wanted to look at you.”

Alex laid a soft peck on his lips. John sat up to steal another kiss. It was deeper this time. Growing more passionate. Alex turned to face him completely. He rested his hands on John’s hips and pulled him closer. John placed his hands on his chest, exploring the surface. It was blissful. Alex pinched the him of John’s shirt starting to pull it up. “Alex!” John stopped him abruptly.

Alex mentally slapped himself. “John, I’m so sorry. I just thought-.” He trailed off, not knowing what to say.

“Alex… you did nothing wrong.” He reached out and grabbed his hand.

“No, I did. I made you uncomfortable.” He squeezed John’s hand lightly. “I should have asked.”

John sighed. He muted the tv and turned on the lamp next to the bed. “We should talk.” Alex nodded. “I’m going to tell you things that only a few people know, ok.” He paused. “I trust you.”

“I’m here freckles.”

“So,” he gulped and took a deep breath. “To put it simply, my dad was shitty.” Alex understood. “He became a drunk after my mom died and he was angry. He took it out on me and my older sister.” He took another shaky breath and squeezed Alex’s hand. “My sister would always try to protect me but when she left for college I was now  
his main target. She almost didn’t go just so she could stay and help me, but I couldn’t let her throw away her shot like that.” Alex brushed John’s hair behind his ear. He looked into John’s eyes, they ere glassy with tears that were threatening to spill. “I had my first relationship with a guy when I was in high school. He was probably my only serious relationship before you. I knew I had to hide him from my dad, I had no idea what he would do if he found out.” A few tears fell down his face. 

“It’s ok John.” Alex whispered. “I’m here.”

John nodded and continued. “I-I had these pictures of him and me that I had hidden in my desk drawer. But one day my dad was raiding my room, searching for cash. A-and he found them. When I got home from school he was yelling and screaming. And he grabbed my arm and he saw a hickey on my shoulder that I had tried to hide.” He stopped for a moment and grasped onto Alex’s bicep for support. “He got so angry, and he was drunk, and he, he got out a pocket knife and cut across my cheek.” He pointed to a scar on his cheek bone. Alex had noticed it before but he never asked about it. “I went to my room and I stuffed my things into a backpack and I just ran. I just ran Alex. I went to Hercules’ house. His family took me in. They help me more than you could imagine.” He choked on a sob. “But before I lived with them I was in such a dark place.” Alex knew what he had meant. He placed a hand on his cheek and tried to wipe away his tears. Alex was crying now too. “And…” he sniffed. “I-I just started cutting.” He couldn’t say much more. “I did. I have scars mainly on my arms, and a few on my stomach. Th-that’s why I freaked out when you started lifting my shirt. I didn’t want you to find out that way. I-I was ashamed.” Alex was sobbing too.

“John.” He stopped. “May I see them?”

John nodded and he rolled his sleeves up showing white scars up and down his arm. Alex placed a hand on the marked skin. “John, don’t you ever be ashamed of this.” He almost pleaded. “This just shows how much stronger you are now. How you have overcome this. You are stronger than your past.” John hugged Alex tightly and cried into his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just been so long since I’ve talked about this. But I’m in a much better place now Alex.” He leaned back to look him in the eyes. “It’s just with what happened with that guy in high school and how my dad…” he stopped. “Alex I want to be physical with you, I want to, I really do. It’s just so hard to get my father's words out of my head.” 

“John, it’s ok, I understand.” John smiled

“I think I can get there with you, just not tonight.”

“John I could not be more okay with that.” He hugged him tightly. “I just want you to be comfortable.”

John sobbed, but he was happy. Happy he could trust Alex, happy he understood, and happy to have finally told him. He leaned back and gave Alex another peck. “Want to watch The Princess Bride?

“Of course.” Alex said with a smile and whipped tears from John’s cheek. “Of course.”


	8. The Schuyler Sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex meets the Schuyler sisters. 
> 
> John is infuriated by Angelica’s flirty gestures towards Alex.

John looked in the closet mirror. He wore a tank top with the word “pride” spelt with rainbow letters. He scratched softly at the scars on his wrist. He knew how visible they were. He couldn’t remember the last time he wore a tank top, or anything with short sleeves. But after talking with Alex he didn’t feel like he had to hide them anymore. He could finally where the tank top Laf had gotten him 2 years ago. 

He took a deep breath and stepped out of the closet to meet Alex in the living room. Alex smiled, he noticed his boyfriend’s change in wardrobe. John walked forward, trying to create a confidence that he couldn’t even seem to fake. “Shall we go?” 

Alex didn’t say anything. He stood closely in front of John and held his wrist lightly. He gently kissed the white lines. He smiled, then pulled John along with him as they headed for the door. They were meetings my up with the regular group, but this time it included the other two Schuyler sisters. Alex was excited to meet them, slightly less anxious than he was when he met Peggy. The outspoken woman did grow on him, she made for interesting company. 

The cab ride was long, they had decided to take a cab instead of driving. The parking lot at the restaurant they were meeting at was usually full and they thought it would just be easier. Though long, the ride was enjoyable. Alex had his arm wrapped around John shoulder and there hands were interlocked. John was nervous at first, he feared that the driver would be hateful. But he didn’t say anything. 

The cab driver dropped them off about a block away from the restaurant. John was wearing his glasses, a weak attempt to hide from surrounding cameras. They walked down the sidewalk hand in hand. He knew he would find pictures of the two of them, he immediately thought of his scars. He wondered how people react. He wondered how his friends would react, they knew about the scars but they hadn’t talked it about it in years. He didn’t want to talk about it. They arrived at the restaurant. It was a fosters grill. He saw Peggy waving frantically at him from one of the outdoor tables. She sat with Herc, Laf, Eliza, and Angelica. The whole crew was there. They sat down at the table located near side of the building. “Nice to meet you Alex.” Eliza said sweetly. “I’m Eliza.”

Alex smiled “Like wise.”

“And I’m Angelica.” She said and shook hands with him.

Peggy sat by John. “I like the tank top.” She said.

“Thanks.” John replied. “I told Alex everything.” He whispered. 

She smiled. “I’m proud of you Jackie.”

The waiter brought out a basket of fries for the table. He had clearly recognized John but didn’t say anything. Much to John’s relief. He just wanted to spend time with his friends today.

“So Alex,” Angelica said. “What do you write?”

This was a question not to ask Alexander Hamilton. Alex went into a long explanation of his books. One that no one asked for but he certainly gave. John thought it was cute when he rambled. Peggy looked less than thrilled as she snacked on the fries.

“Interesting.” Angelica said simply. But she actually thought it was. She placed her hand on top of Alex’s. “How long have you been in New York?”

John gripped the sides of his chair. She was trying to flirt with Alex. John noticed immediately. 

Angelica truly did think Alex was cute, but he was in a happy relationship, she would never actually make a move. She did however sneak in a few flirty gestures.

John tensed up and gripped the table cloth. His own heart beat pounded loudly in his ears. He could barely hear when Alex asked him if he was okay.

He may go of the table cloth. “Yeah I’m fine.” He looked at Alex and smiled. 

The casual conversation continued, John slowly calmed down, it was probably nothing. But he noticed Angelica staring at Alex so intently. When she winked, his body lit up with anger, like a fire that needed to be released. He stood up abruptly. “I have to go!”  
“Is something wrong?” Lafayette asked.

John shook it off. “No, I just have to leave now. Bye guys.”

He ran towards the street, getting into a cab as quickly as possible. As soon as he drove hot tears fell down his cheeks. He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt the tears drip on his tank top. He wanted to scream, he was furious. He couldn’t fathom why he was so mad. Angelica was his friend, but all he could think of was the overwhelming hate he had developed. 

He finally got home. He slammed the door behind him. He punched the wall hard, his knuckles hurt but he just leaned his against the wall and cried.

All he could think of was fury. He pulled out his phone to text Angelica. 

“Hey, can I come to your place tomorrow?” He sent the message and began to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a little murdery. It will not be graphic but I will put what happens in the notes at the end of the next chapter


	9. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John confronts Angelica.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING.
> 
> Murder.
> 
> The events are not graphic however if they bother you, do not read.
> 
> I will put what happens in the end notes so you know what happens

John’s head spun. The world around him twisting, becoming more and more distorted. It was like it was taunting him. Whispering in his ear, fueling his anger. He couldn’t even remember the long ride out of the city. 

Angelica was well off to say the least. She managed to create her own fashion line and of course published around three books on feminism. But she moved out of the city, she got a nice house and property, she even had a lake. She remembered when she thought that New York was the greatest city in the world. But she wanted to get away from the constant crowd and noise. It was peaceful out there. She loved her friends and family but she wanted to be alone sometimes. Sometimes it seemed she just dropped off the face of the earth for weeks, then to show up at Foster's grill one day. 

She was shocked when John wanted to come all the way out there. She knew something was wrong. She thought about how abruptly he had left the day before. She had never seen John so upset.

John hadn’t slept. Every minute of the night that dragged on angered him more. He felt wide awake, antsy, a feeling of constant adrenaline. Nothing made sense. Was he really this mad at Angie? Did he not trust Alex? Everything was a hazy blur. He rode in the cab from the train station. 

Angie’s property finally came into view. He normally would have tipped the driver but he paid and left without saying a word. He braced himself on the door of the taxi for a second, before composing himself. Turning to face the house. 

Angelica sat on the doorstep resting her chin on her knuckles. She saw John walking up the driveway and perked up. waving at him to get his attention. He wore an incredibly oversized sweatshirt. A dark contrast to the outfit he had worn the day before. He looked like a mess. His hair was frizzy and tangled, his clothes were sloppy, and he had dark bags under his eyes. But what worried Angie the most, was the dismal look in his. They were glassy and the area around them was red and puffy. “Oh my God Jackie.” She reaches out to touch his jaw. “What’s wrong?” He whipped his head to the side. Angie retracted her hand, still leaving it hovering in front of his chest. 

He looked to the ground. “Can we walk out back.” It wasn’t stated as a question. Angelica nodded and started walking that way, John at her side. 

They walked around the house. The silence was deafening. Every crunch of their footsteps seamed to echo through the woods. Angelica tried to make eye contact with John but his gaze was fixed towards the ground the opposite direction of her. 

After what seemed like hours of walking, and brooding. John finally spoke. “At dinner yesterday.” He paused and took a deep breath. “You were flirting with Alex.” Angie tried to interject. “Don’t deny it, I saw. D-do… do you like him?”

Angie felt so guilty. She never wanted to hurt John. “J-Jackie I would never try to hurt you-“

“ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!” He snapped, tears suddenly streaming down his face. Angie was now scared. John rarely ever cursed, or yelled. He never got angry, but this was something far more than just “anger”.

She froze. “K-kind of. Yes.” Her voice was small. 

John’s eyes lit up with a new rage. “Angie I thought we were friends.” His voice was eerie calm. He finally looked up at her. “I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.” Suddenly yelling again he took a step away from her. 

Angie was crying too. She had never seen this side of John. She could never even imagined it could have existed. “John, I’m sorry, I would never make a move. I’m so sor-“ she was cut off suddenly. The piercing sound of a gunshot echoed through the woods. Birds flew out of the trees, being scared out of their perch. 

There John stood. The smoking weapon still in his hand, still pointed at Angie. Tears ran down his face in puddles. He sobbed through gritted teeth. 

Angelica fell to the ground. Grasping the wound on her chest. Blood soaked through her clothes, painting her hands. She tried to take a breath but the air wouldn’t enter, she tried to talk, scream, anything. All she could muster was a pathetic croak. 

John’s eyes widened. He had done it. Everything had changed. He had killed her. He brought the gun closer to his body. His arms trembled as he grabbed his other arm. Holding himself tightly. 

What had he done?

What would he do?

Every cell in his body told him to run. To get as far away as he could. To flee.

So he did.

He thossed the gun into the lake and ran. He ran as long as he could. His heart beat out of his chest. He was not a runner, but he must have sprinted at least a mile. He came across a large town. He needed to get back home. He needed to see Alex. 

The ride back to the main city was long and terrifying. He thought everyone around him had known what he has done. Every bump he went over during the journey home caused him to jump sporadically. 

He got into another cab and rode it to Alex’s place. Once he got to the complex he felt a strange feeling of calm. Something he shouldn’t be feeling after… he blocked out the thought. Replacing it with Alex. He couldn’t lose him. He thought about the protection Alex gave him. The love, the devotion. He felt a hot spark inside his body. Something he hadn’t felt in a while. He pounded on the door. Alex yelled for him to come in. He entered the apartment and slammed the door behind him.

Alex was sitting on his bed. He looked up from his writing. “John, is something wrong?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *for those who skipped the chapter*  
> John shot Angelica, tossed the gun in her lake, and went to see Alex.


	10. Leftover Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John need to find Alex. To show him that he need him, that he trusted him 
> 
> (Smut)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT   
> SMUT AHEAD!!!

Alex was seated on the bed. He looked up from his writing.”John, are you okay?”

John locked the door and turned around, almost running to Alex. He pounced onto the bed, sitting on top of his lap. Pulling him up for a passionate kiss. Alex was surprised, but welcomed John’s lips. They separated briefly. “I’m great.” John said and smiled. Pulling Alex back into the kiss by his neck.  
His hands traveled down his chest. Feeling and admiring the muscles under his hoodie. 

Alex pulled back. “What’s this about?” He said, slightly breathlessly. 

“I think I’m ready.” He paused. “I want to be intimate, I want to be with you.” He looked down. “ I want you, to want to be with me.” He whispered the last part. 

Alex grabbed John’s waist, flipping the two of them over so John was pinned lightly underneath him. “Jackie,” he smiled endearingly. “You mean the world to me.” He dove down for a hungry kiss. Savoring the taste of John. 

He licked John’s lips softly, asking for entrance. John parted his lips slightly, allowing Alex to slip his tongue inside his mouth, exploring the walls. John moaned softly as Alex slipped hand up his shirt, rubbing his chest lightly.

Alex sat up for a moment, making it easier to remove John’s sweatshirt and shirt along with his own. The room was fairly dark but Alex could see the little white scars on John’s stomach, noting each individual mark. He leaned back down, latching on to John’s neck, biting softly and licking the sensitive areas. He could feel John shudder from his touch. His hands explored his sides, massaging the lean muscle on his abdomen. 

John gasped at a particularly rough bite. An image of his father flashed in his eyes. “Alex!” He interjected suddenly. Alex sat up. “Do you want to stop?” His voice was filled with concern.

“No!” John almost yelled. “Just give me a minute. He took few deep breaths. “I’m ready.” He nodded.

“Are you sure?” Alex said hesitantly. 

“Yes.” He said. “I am.”

Alex took a moment to admire the man below him. His skin was flushed a dark red, and his chest and shoulders were covered in freckles. God, those freckles drove him wild. He loved how his cherry lips were swollen from the rough kissing. He licked his lips, still tasting John on them. 

Alex grabbed John’s wrists lightly and pinned them above his head. He smiled and squirmed slightly as Alex started leaving a trail of kisses down his abdomen. He paused to give an individual kiss to each line that marked the stomach of the freckled man. 

John muled as Alex nipped at the skin on his hip, leaving a faint mark. John’s nerves returned as Alex moved to the zipper on his jeans. Alex  
paused, noticing his discomfort. He took a few deep breaths and gave him the ‘okay’.

Alex pulled down his jeans, revealing very heavily freckled thighs and slightly tented underwear. John swallowed hard. Alex leaned up to kiss John again, softly palming him through his boxers. Electricity shot through his body, he moaned into the kiss bucking his hips into his hand. He could feel Alex smile on his lips. John became more and more hard as Alex’s touches continued. He was in absolutely euphoria. Alex made him feel incredibly safe. He couldn’t imagine how but he didn’t even think about the events of earlier. It bothered him how easily he brushed it off. But the thought was quickly replaced by a new found lust as Alex removed his own jeans, revealing his own arousal. He grinned his hips into the John, causing them to both release small moans.

John’s hands flew to latch onto Alex’s back. He wrapped his legs around Alex’s waist, pulling him back on to him, bucking his hips to meet the man’s above him. “Someone’s excited.” Alex said. John rolled his eyes placing his knee behind Alex’s leg pushing softly into his bulge. Alex bit his lip and groaned.

“Well,” John tisked. “Isn’t someone a hypocrite.” Alex leaned back down softly kissing John’s jaw. Alex’s hands travel up and down John, exploring the map of his body. John’s breathing hitched, savoring his touch.

There was a moment of quiet. Alex hovered above John, there faces almost touching. “Alex, do you have…” Alex nodded before he finished he sentence. “Yeah, one sec.” Alex got up and went to the drawer by the bed. He pulled out a condom and lube. John sat up slightly, leaning with his arms outstretched behind him. 

Alex walked back to the bed kneeling in front of John. He pulled John’s hair out of the ponytail, letting it fall to his shoulder. He ran his fingers through the soft tangles. John laid back onto the bed slowly, sinking into the mattress. Alex was right above him. “Just tell me if I ever go too far okay?” He said. John nodded.

Alex tugged at the him off John’s boxers, pulling them off slowly. Slipping the fabric down his legs. John’s skin tingled with heat. He wanted to cover himself up but Alex pinned his arms to the bed stealing another hungry kiss. John bucked hips, desperate for touch. Alex grabbed the side of his hip, holding him down. John whined into the kiss desperate for some kind of friction. 

Alex leaned back, placing a hand on John’s knee slowly trialing it down, spreading his legs slightly. John squirmed, shuddering as his hand grazed the sensitive skin on his inner thigh. John shut his eyes tightly, mentally preparing for what would happen next. He could her the pop as the idid to the lube was flicked open, and he could feel Alex place a gentle hand on his thigh. “Everything okay Jackie?” He asked. John nodded, his eyes still shut. Alex laid a gentle kiss on his eyelid before leaning back again. 

He gasped as he felt Alex’s finger gently begin to enter him. He was nervous, but his body ached. He needed his touch. Alex started with slow pumping of his finger. John was antsy, he squirmed with slight discomfort but only because he wanted more. “Alex!” He said breathlessly “I need more, anything.” Alex responded by inserting another finger and continued with the slow movements. Giving John time to adjust. 

John moaned softly as he was stretched open. He felt a jolt run through his body. A burning sense of pleasure as Alex curled his finger rubbing a spot deep inside him, driving him wild. “Alex I need you!” John moaned loudly digging his nails into Alex’s bicep. 

“I don’t think your ready baby.” Alex cooed. John melted from the nickname. Alex interest a third finger. John felt a slight burn but it soon disappeared as the small thrusts continued. 

John whined loudly as Alex removed his fingers, causing him to feel empty yet again. He opened his eye slightly. Looking at Alex through his lashes. Alex had put on a condom and lined himself up with John’s entrance. John’s heart raced, preparing himself. 

His eyes flew open wide, feeling the stretch of Alex’s length entering him at a painfully slow pace. He did not want him to go an faster. He needed time to adjust, and though he was not a virgin, it had been quite awhile. His eyes rolled back as Alex bottomed out. Both of their breathing was ragged. Alex kissed John’s collar bone tenderly, giving John time to breathe. He moaned softly at the feeling of John’s around him as the taste of his skin on his lips. “Move.” John whispered softly into his ear. Alex was quick to comply. Starting incredibly slowly. The pace was torture. John rapped his legs around Alex’s waist pulling him closer, there hips connected again. John’s nails dig into Alex’s back as his pace quickened. Their moans filled the room. The too connected perfectly, everything felt right. John almost screamed as Alex hit his prostate. Causing every nerve in his body to burn with pleasure. He felt weightless as Alex took control. His thrusts were fast, filling John deeply with each movement. 

Their minds were buzzed, filled with lust. A hunger for each other’s bodies. Loving the way they fit together. John could hardly muster words. He came with a hot stripe across Alex’s stomach. Unable to warn him. His voice caught in his throat. His mouth agape. A burst of white replaced his vision. Alex was not long behind, thrusting softly a few more times before filling the condom.

Alex rested his body on top of John’s. He held the man above him as tightly as his exhausted body could allow. The air was thick with sweat and leftover passion. Alex cleaned the both of them up with a towel that was left on the bedside table and disposed of the condom. 

By the time Alex had gotten back, John had barely moved. His mouth was still opened slightly in a moan that could not escape his throat. Alex kissed the sensitive skin behind his ear and whispered. “You okay baby?” John closed his eyes and nodded. A content smile on his lips. 

Alex tucked the both of them under the blankets. And pulled John into a spoon. Alex’s head rested on top of John’s. Their bodies close. Alex saw a single tear fall down John’s cheek. “Jackie is everything okay?” His voice filled with concern. 

“Yes. Alex,” John looked up at Alex. “I-I love you.”

Alex’s eyes widened with surprise. This was the first time John had said those words, and he could not be happier to hear them. “I love you too Jackie.” He smiled. “More than I can say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only my second published smut ever so I’m sorry if it’s terrible


	11. Daylight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wakes up only to be flooded with the events of the day before. But the way he processes this is unusual.

John’s eyes snapped opened suddenly. His heartbeat was fast. He was scared out of a dream he can’t remember. He sat up gripping at the sheets to ground himself. He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, relieved to see that it was just Alex. “Are you okay Jackie?” He asked for what seemed like the tenth time that night. John nodded 

“Yeah,” he said trying to slow his breath. “Just a nightmare.” He couldn’t even remember what he saw in his dream, but whatever it was left him a cold sweat. 

“Alright.” Alex said. “You know you can talk to me.” John nodded and smiled.

Alex had laid back down but John was still sitting up, looking around the room for nothing in particular, his eyes struggling to see through the dark. After taking a few deep breaths he laid back down. He couldn’t fall back to sleep, no matter how heavy his eyelids were he couldn’t let them close. After three hours of fighting, sleep eventually won the battle. As soon as he decided to “rest his eyes” for a moment he drifted off. Only to be awoken by the sun shining brightly through the window. 

He squinted and turned away from the light. He was met by the smiling face of his boyfriend laying next to him. John had bed head to end all bed head (Alex’s wasn’t much better, but at least his hair wasn’t curly.) but it only made Alex more entranced by him. “Morning sunshine.” Alex said.  
John blushed and grinned happily. Alex reached out, tenderly placing his hand on John’s jaw, using his thumb to brush his hair out of his face, tucking it behind his hair. But as soon as John closed his eyes, he remembered his dream. Unlike last night, when he had only remembered small pieces. Like parts of a puzzle he didn’t want to solve. But now it was a clear picture. He kept his eyes shut tightly. He didn’t want to show Alex any sign that something was wrong. He wanted to leave and figure things out even though he was much more comfortable laying next to him. But he couldn’t talk to Alex about this, he couldn’t talk to anyone about this. Luckily Alex helped him out. “Baby, I have to go.” He said sadly. “But I’ll see you later.” John nodded and Alex kissed him softly on the cheek.

After Alex had left, so he was alone with his thought. They did not make great conversationalist. John sat up, the blanket falling off his chest and into his lap. He started to think about Angelica. But the twisted part was that he did not feel guilt. He felt more secure than he had before. Like he had protected Alex, like he was keeping him safe. He wanted to push all of these thoughts away, but they were intrusive. His only fear was Alex finding out what he had done. The thought terrified him more than the thought of holding that gun in his hand. Tears streamed down his face quickly, clinging to his chin. Feeling the hot tears drip onto his arm. 

But then as if he hadn’t had a breakdown, the tears stopped. He chuckled almost silently. “What have I done?” He laughed a little louder, the sound was still below that of a whisper but it seemed to echo through the room. Before he felt like the whole room was spinning but now everything felt eerily still. He didn’t know what he was feeling. He didn’t feel… anything. It was just numb. 

So he got out of bed. Grabbing the clothes that had been discarded on the floor the night before. 

He just needed to see Alex. He needed to see Alex and just Alex. He had to be the answer to the swarm of questions. To take away the images of his nightmare. The images that showed Alex discovering the terrible thing he had done. He need to show Alex how much he loved him. 

He got dressed and grabbed his laptop. “How about the best trip money can buy?” He said to himself. His eyes seemed fickle. Like they couldn’t decide what emotion to portray. They were a bubbling cauldron of feeling that was ready to spill over. 

His plan was truly not malicious. He just wanted to spend as much time as he could solely with Alex. And what better way than to fly him away from anyone could interfere with that. And who doesn’t love a vacation to the Caribbean?


	12. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a nice surprise for Alex

John jumped when he heard a knock at the door. He knew it was Alex, he was on time, but he was incredibly jumpy. More so than usual. He opened the door for Alex, seeing him made him smile. He need to get his mind off things, and Alex was a welcomed distraction. “It’s been a while since we had a proper date, don’t you think?”   
John took his hand and pulled him inside.  
“Too long.”

John led him into the media room. “I wanted to spend some quality time with you. Something romantic, but casual.” He smiled. “So I thought the best place to be is where Peggy was terribly invasive for the first time.” Alex laughed. 

“I’m swooning.” He joked.

John slightly pushed him. “We are going to enjoy a nice meal of instant Mac and Cheese because Laf was busy tonight, wine, and we are going to watch a cheesy Rom-Com. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a sci fi thriller as much as the next guy, but I think something light would be better.” 

Alex gasped sarcastically. “You didn’t like my movie choice!” John rolled his eyes and sat down on the couch. Alex followed and draped his arm around John’s shoulder, slight deja vu from they’re second date. 

John had the remote in his hand resting it on Alex’s knee. He flipped through Rom Coms that were just a bit too cheesy to enjoy. “We can always watch Love, Simon.” He suggested 

Alex looked him dead in the eyes. “John that’s gay.” John stifled a laugh.

“We can’t have that now can we?” He said almost grinning. He was so glad Alex was there. The nightmare returned every night. It was causing him to lose sleep which did not help the constant state of stress John was now in. But Alex slowed things down. He gave him a chance to breathe. 

The movie began to play. John sat up momentarily to grab the two bowls from the coffee table. “Dinner is served.” John said jokingly announcing the bowl of Macaroni.

Alex took the bowl out of John’s hand. “How lovely.” He said. “May I have the recipe?”

“I’ll be sure to give it to you after the movie.” He said, just going along with it. The two ate silently, just watching the film and enjoying each other’s company. When they both had finished John stacked the bowls and ate them on the table. He pulled the folded blanket off the back of the couch and sprawled it out, covering him and Alex. “I have something for you.” Alex turned to face him. John reached into his back pocket, pulling out and envelope. 

Alex’s eyes widened. “Should I have brought a gift?” He said nervously. John chuckled.

“No. It’s just a little something for the both of us.”

Alex took the envelope almost hesitantly. Wishing he had brought something for John. He tore open the paper and pulled out a receipt “What is this?” He said confused. 

“That is a receipt for a resort that I booked. We’re going to Barbados!” John grinned widely. 

“J-John, how much did this cost?” He said, worried. Noticing that the price had been crossed out on the receipt.

John shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, it’s something for the both of us.” He gave. Alex a small peck.

Alex eyes scanned the piece of paper. “Are you sure, I don’t want you spending your money on me.”

John rolled his eyes. “Alex, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my money.” He said looking into Alex’s eyes. “Besides, I’m crazy rich remember?”

This made Alex laugh. He leaned into hug John. “I can’t wait!”

John laid his head on Alex’s shoulder. “Me too.” He didn’t want to let go, he felt if he did Alex might just disappear. But Alex pulled away, but he stayed. He stayed by John and held his hand. Kissing his palm softly and smiling. “We leave Saturday. Have you ever been in a private jet?”

Alex face showed the shock he was in. “John you know I haven’t.” He speech trailing into a soft laugh. 

John rested his head on Alex’s shoulder, quickly drifting off. Comforted by Alex’s warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one was shorter than usual. I judged need to set up for future chapters.


	13. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is pulled out of a nightmare, lucky to be met with the face of his concerned boyfriend.

John was falling. Quickly. Nothing but darkness  
wizzed around him as he plummeted. He tried to reach out but there’s was nothing to hold on to. 

But just as suddenly as he began falling, the scene had changed. He was now standing by a lake. His initial response was calming but soon everything clicked into place and he realized where he was. He was at Angelica’s. He turned around to see himself. He was pointing a gun at himself. He turned around in shock only to be met with another clone of himself. Every direction he look he only became more trapped. He was surrounded by his own rage. 

Alex appeared in front of him. His face was emotionless and cold. He tried to reach out to him, but as soon as he did Alex disappeared. Turning into a cloud of smoke that slipped between his finger tips.

He tried to call out but his voice had failed him. He sunk to his knees in a sob. Looking up to see himself. The barrel of the gun pressed against his forehead. He cried silently, no sound escaping his lips. 

He felt himself being shaken awake. He opened his eyes to see the convened face of Alex. “John, you were shaking.” The wipes a tear from John’s cheek. “And crying. What were you dreaming about.”

John looked at him. “I-I don’t remember.” He lied. “But it’s fine, it’s just a dream.” He said, more to himself than to Alex. Alex stroked John’s cheek softly.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

John forced a smiled, trying to make it look convincing as possible. “Yeah.” He blinked away the tears. “I’m great.” He looked around the darkness. “W-what time is it?” His voice still shaking slightly. 

Alex checked his phone. “11:24. The movie ended about and hour ago. I was going to wake you up earlier but you looked so peaceful. Until you started shaking.

John stretched. “Do you want head back to my room?”

“Sure.” Alex said, followed by a yawn. 

Once they got comfortable Alex turned on the TV. He had changed into a T shirt and sweatpants he had left at John’s, and John wore an oversized Shirt that went down to his knees and read “Gone Fishing.”

“Nice shirt.” Alex said. 

John looked down at the words. “Yeah, there’s not many options for oversized shirts like this I guess.” He laid down on the bed and pulled up the covers. He fidgeted with the collar of his shirt that hung awkwardly off his freckle covered shoulders. “Anything on?” He asked 

“Not much, just a documentary on the revolutionary war.”

John yawned. “Nah, that’s boring.” He said and huddled closer to Alex. “You can just turn it off, it’s getting late anyway.” Alex nodded and turned the TV off with a click. He rested his head on Alex’s chest, his head rising and falling ever so slightly with each of his breaths.

“I can’t wait for our trip.”

John smiled. “Me neither.” He shifted slightly pulling up the blanket that had slipped off his shoulder. “By the way, what island were you born on?” He said trying to keep the conversation going.

“Nevis.” Alex said and slowly closed his eyes. “I can hardly remember it.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes before John spoke again. “Could I by any chance have a sneak peak at your newest book?”

Alex laughed. “I have a strict no spoilers policy that I can not break.”

John pouted, even though he knew Alex couldn’t see him through the dark. “Not even for your boyfriend?”

Alex ran his fingers through John’s hair. “Sorry baby, I want it to be a surprise.”

“Cruel.” John said. His eyes started to become heavy. He usually stayed up later but he had gotten very little sleep in the past few days and was very comfortable, with Alex’s heat near him, and the sound of his breathing was soothing. He fell asleep very soon after that. Luckily he was not revisited by the nightmarish images from earlier that night. He was thankful to finally have good night's sleep. He was thankful to have Alex nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry it’s short


	14. The flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TO BARBADOS

John frantically checked through all the bags and luggage. “John, calm down,” Alex said with a chuckle. “This is supposed to be a relaxing vacation, but you look like you’re about to have an aneurysm.”

“We’re not there yet,” John said. He was impossibly stressed. And the immense sleep deprivation made things much more frantic. The nightmares have become far worse and he had reached a state of tired that had surpassed Alexander Hamilton’s. 

Alex had no clue why he was so stressed. “It’s not like we’re going to miss our flight, you have a private jet.” 

John exhaled loudly. “You’re right.”

Alex smirked. “Aren’t I always.” He said grabbing his luggage and opening the door for John. “Shall we go?” John tucked his hair behind his ear and nodded, slightly out of breath.

“Off to Barbados!”

The taxi ride wasn’t long, it took them forever to get the luggage in the cab. They made sure to tip the driver extra for the hassle and wasted time. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They were finally seated on the plane. John’s nerves were finally calmed. He was comfortably seated in the seats of the planes. Alex, however, was tapping nervously on the armrest with his gaze fixed on an unspecific object outside the window. “Are you alright?” John asked caringly.

“Y-yeah, I'm fine,” he said quickly glancing at John before looking out the window again. John would have laughed if Alex didn't look so scared.

John gently rested his hand on Alex’s to stop the nervous tapping. “Alexander,” he cooed “Have you flown before?”

Alex gripped John’s hand tightly. He could hear the engines begin to run. “Yeah,’ he swallowed hard “21 years ago.”

John smiled and rested his head on his shoulder. “I fly all the time, you have nothing to worry about. It will just be a few hours of champagne and relaxation.” Alex simply nodded.

Alex squeezed John’s hand even tighter as the plane began to taxi. Deaf to the words of the pilot over to the intercom. He clenched his eyes shut as the plane gained speed. John knew Alex would only get more nervous as the plane lifted off the ground. So, he had to find a way to distract him. 

As the plane left the earth’s surface, John leaned over and kissed him. Alex relaxed and leaned into the kiss. John separated and grinned “better?”

“Yeah,” he said with a smile, “much better.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Eventually, the plane leveled out and Alex was less tense. John stood up and patted Alex on the shoulder. “I’m going to get us a drink at the bar.” Alex nodded.

“God, you are rich.” 

John laughed, “What gave it away, Was it the jet?” He walked to the back of the plane and ordered to glasses of champagne. He looked out the window, admiring the silver clouds below them while the drinks were made. He could finally breathe. It was ironic considering the lack of oxygen that surrounded the craft. 

He carried the glasses back to their seats, handing one to Alex with a gentle smile. Giving him a small peck on the cheek. “Just imagine, in just a few hours we’ll be on the sunny beaches of Barbados.”

“I can’t wait to spend this time with you,” Alex said. John rested his head on his shoulder. Alex wrapped his arm around John’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “It’s funny, I was born near there. In one of the worst areas. Yet here I am, vacationing there with my boyfriend.”

John almost felt guilty. “Is that okay?’

“Of course it is Jackie,” he said stroking his shoulder. “I can't wait.” John smiled at his words. His eyes closed gently. He eventually fell asleep. And for the first time in days, he was not plagued by the recurring nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, vaguely basing this chapter after one scene in say anything? More likely than you think.
> 
> Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I've been busy with school and becoming obsessed with Spring Awakening


	15. Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and John arrive at the hotel at last.

John slumped down on the bed with a groan. The journey to the hotel had been more of a hike than he had expected and he hadn’t dressed appropriately for the humidity. A heated contrast from the New York weather.

Alex put down his luggage and laughed endearingly at his exhausted boyfriend. “I tried to warn you.” He chuckled “Why exactly did you think a sweater was a good idea?”

John sat up slowly, rubbing the back of his aching neck and tugging at the right collar. “I don’t know.” He said pain fully. He took out his hair tie and shook his hair out, letting out the tension in his scalp. 

Alex smiled admiring the beautiful man. He leaned over John placing his hands on the bed next to his hips, leaning in to kiss him softly. But John pushed him away. “No, I’m sweaty and gross.” 

That made made Alex genuinely laugh. “You being anything but gorgeous is simply impossible.”

John swallowed the sudden nerves that were building inside him. He tried to assure himself that they were safe. That they were far away. “I guess being a great writer gave you a silver tongue.” He said with a plastered on smile.

“I guess so.” He leaned back in kissing John slightly more forceful now, pushing the taller man “back onto these bed. Laurens hummed happily, placing a hand on Alex’s shoulder. He pushed him away lightly. “What is it?” He asked, worried he had made John uncomfortable somehow.

“Nothing,” he said with a small smirk “I just thought we should go for a swim before it gets dark and continue this later.”

“Fine.” Alex sighed and reluctantly stood up. “Besides, we should scope out the beach before dinner.”

John sat up “Dinner?” He asked, and tilted his head to the side curiously.

Alex nodded. “ you’ve done so it much for this trip, the least I can do is dinner.” he sat down on the bed next to him. ”we have reservations at eight. Nothing to fancy, just a nice beachside place.” He gave John a peck on the cheek and stood up. ”I'm going to change.”

John smiled to himself, what bothered John most was that moments like these, he could justify what he had done. He could understand his desperation to keep Alex. The twisted thoughts almost made him happy, and that sickening joy haunted him. But this trip finally made him feel secure and protected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry I kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I’ve been kind of swamped with other work. 
> 
> I know, I know, this update is really short and future chapter will be longer. But in order for me to be update more frequently, most chapters will be less than 1,000 words.
> 
> I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> PS. Is this a bad time to mention that this fic is based on a TS song. Can you guess which one?


	16. Karaoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice day at the beach and dinner as the sun set. Until Alex gets an alarming text.

John dipped his toe in the crystal blue water. “This place is beautiful.” he turned to look at Alex. “I just don’t understand how you can stand the heat.” he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

Alex laughed “That’s kind of the point of swimming Jackie.” He walked to the edge of the water, letting his feet sink into the loose sand. “And besides, It’s not that hot.”

John rolled his eyes “Says the man wearing nothing but his swim trunks.” He said as he gestured at his rash-guard and plopped down in the shallow water. Alex sat down next to him and examined a seashell next to them.

“Why did you wear it then? You’ve got nothing to hide.”

John shook his head “You know why.” Alex scooched closer and took Johns hand. He gave him a reassuring smile, a sort of “Everything will be alright” kind of smile. Then, John splashed him in the face.

“I came here to have a good time and honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now.”

John laughed, a loud and genuine laugh. “You are the worst!”

“Shut up, you love me.” He punctuated the teasing statement with a small peck.

“Yeah, I do.” He said seriously but covered it up with a smile. He checked his watch. “Crap! We have to go or we will miss dinner.” He jumped up and pulled Alex with him, yanking him up by the arm. 

They rushed back to the hotel and changed. They dressed casually, it was just a relaxing dinner. It was a nice beachside place with a perfect view of the sun setting over the ocean… and karaoke.  
____________________________________________

“John you are literally a famous pop star, it would be a crime if you didn't sing.” He said nudging John in the arm as someone drunkenly sang “Jessie’s Girl” 

John put down a now empty shot glass. “I will make you a deal” he began flipping through the book of songs, already having a clear idea of what he wanted to sing. “We can sing Summer Lovin’”

“From grease?” John nodded in confirmation and grabbed Alex’s arm. 

“Come on Lexi~” He staggered towards the stage “It’s our turn”

Alex shook his head. “Oh no, I do not sing.” 

John pulled him closer. “Bull, everyone sings in one way or another.”

“John you are drunk.”

“Very” he stepped onto the small platform and pulled Alex up with him. “Now let’s sing”

And boy did they ever. They killed it, the audience loved it even though a few of them didn’t know English.

They grabbed a Cab back to the hotel, even if they had a car with them, driving would not be a safe choice considering their current state. “You said that you can’t sing.”

“I said that I didn't sing, I prefer not to in front of people. I never said that I couldn’t.” John just rolled his eyes.

____________________________________________

They got back to the hotel with little to no memory of the ride there, just a drunken blur. 

They barely made it inside before John pushed Alex up against the hotel “Kitchen” counter. He kissed him hungrily. Acting surprisingly dominate. Alex did not complain. John paused when he heard a loud ‘ding’ coming from the counter space next to Alex. Alex had left his phone there before they had left for the beach. The text read:

Maria: We on for tonight?

John grabbed the phone and looked up at Alex. “What the hell is this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, the next chapter will be a little bit violent.


	17. The Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John discovers the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter

Alex leaned away from John, observing the message of the screen. “Alex!” John almost pleaded. “Answer me!” He feared the answer but needed to hear the truth.

“J-Jackie,” Alex spoke softly in an attempt to calm him down. “It’s nothing, really.” He went to grab his hand but he yanked it away. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me Alex!” John was almost in tears. Alex’s nervous behavior gave him the answer. “When did this happen?” He spoke through gritted teeth. 

“John, it was one time, I was drunk. It meant nothing!” Alex panicked and fished for words.

John showed Alex the message again. “Really?! Because it seems she certainly doesn’t think that!

Alex didn’t answer. There wasn’t anything he could say to get him out of this. 

John leaned up against the counter, for any kind of support. An anchor to the real world, something to stop the room from spinning. “Jackie,” he didn’t finish the sentence, unsure how to. He tried to speak again ”let me explain-”

”No!” He cut him off. ”Just stop talking.” John went over every moment he spent with Alex, every time Alex had made him happy. He had trusted Alex, but he destroyed all of that. ”Were you not happy?” Alex flinched, the broken look in John’s eyes cut like a knife.

”Of course I was Jackie, I love you.”

John lost it. ”Stop! Not another word, not another lie. Just stop.” He pushed Alex back into the center of the kitchen. His mind flashed to the last time he felt this anger. It was to protect him and Alex. To preserve their relationship, but this was different. He could no longer protect it. It was broken, a rope that was unknowingly fraying had finally snapped. 

And it was Alex’s fault.

John’s gaze shot to a pair of scissors lying on the counter. Alex followed his line of sight. “John,” John didn’t show any sign that he had heard Alex, instead he shakily reached for the pair, clutching the handle tightly in his fist and took a step towards Alex.

”Do you know what I've done for you, for us?” his voice was dark and cracked as he spoke. ”How much I've risked?”

”John, please.” he chose his words carefully. Stepping delicately around the land minds he had placed. John didn't respond, just stood there, staring at the floor.

”I killed her Alex!” he screamed, tears rolling down his cheeks. ”Angelica!” he said, responding to the confused and shocked look on Alex's face. ”For us.” John blacked out 

***  
When he became aware of his surroundings, he was crouching in front of Alex with sirens blaring nearby. 

He killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive, but Alex is not.
> 
> I'm sorry
> 
> If you wanted a happy ending you read the wrong fic


End file.
